From an article originally posted February 10, 2013…

After a beautifully normal night of bath time, dinner with new friends, and bedtime, I zonked out really quickly. But two hours later I’m awake struggling with the statistics given to me from the radiologist. I’m not a numbers girl, I’m a right brained, emotional, relational, in-the-moment thinker. I don’t stew, over-analyze, consume, obsess, or worry all that often. This is new, ugly territory for me.

Tonight I think on the numbers and I wonder if I should put myself through all this for a 4-9 % improvement to my recurrence rates. Then I think over the heartache if I don’t do it and find myself back in this place, only worse. It feels like an impossible decision.

But the biggest struggle is my weary spirit and body. As the radiologist was looking right through me, throwing percentages and studies at me, I wanted to crawl onto the floor and weep. I finally worked up the courage to say, “I don’t want your stinking radiation, I’m so very weary. I don’t want to give you your turn to have your way with me.” Something changed in him at that point; I believe he began to see me.

I very much understand my doctors are passionate about what they do in order to save and protect life.

My body has a hard time understanding. When I went back to my oncologist after my mastectomy, I have never had such a desire to run away. I needed to use the bathroom and the one in the office was full. I considered using the one in the chemo room. As I thought of going back there, I almost got sick.

My oncologist is gentle and very kind. The first time I met him, he looked at me with eyes full of compassion and said, “I’m so sorry you are here.” Together, we decided to be aggressive. Aggressive and chemo are a killer combo, but it was necessary. I’m not sure how I made it through, but I did.

This new doctor is equally competent, but so much different. I will not base my future on how much I like a doctor. At the end of our meeting, he soberly gave me an amazing gift of asking the leading breast radiologist in the country to look at my case and asking his opinion. He then looked at me and said, “I’m very logical.” I told him I was very emotional and we laughed. My case is not straight forward.

Right now my head is swimming with numbers. I look at my kids pictures on the wall and I feel like I would do anything to get well for them. But there is part of me that has so little peace.

My case is going before the tumor board this Thursday. Pray for the doctors that will be reviewing my case again. Pray for the doctor at MD Anderson that will be reviewing my case. And please for Jason and me as we decide.