Kara’s Collection: Dangerous Mind

From an article originally posted May 8, 2013…

Matthew 12:15: Great multitudes followed him, and he healed them all.

This was the verse yesterday in Spurgeon’s Morning by Morning. He spoke of the power of God to heal, but God shows his power ultimately in healing our souls. The imputing of peace to those He knows is the healing our hearts truly need. I wholeheartedly believe this, but I daily struggle to take hold of this truth. Today, I want the healing of my body, like the masses that pressed upon Jesus for the healing of their wounds, diseases, misery. Like them, I miss the point, I want comfort this moment, this day, this week, for my tired little body. I forget the amazing work of healing to my spirit that has already happened. In this place, I struggle with gratitude. I don’t want to list one thousand gifts. I simply want the end of this long wearisome chapter for me, for my guy, for my kids. I want it to stop.

Today is already better than yesterday. After my daughter day Monday, my Tuesday treatment knocked me flat. This morning I sat in my car for a long time crying, so strongly tempted to drive away. If I didn’t know Carl was waiting inside for me, I think I could have driven away and lied to Jason that I had been to treatment. Carl and a ‘you can do it’ text from a friend helped me face my hard today. I cried the entire treatment. I prayed for my friend in Asheville. I had a moment of panic where I thought the machine broke and wasn’t stopping.

Then I met my Story, Jason, Carl, and a sweet friend of my baby. Instead of seeing a weary mama fighting through her day, Story has a sweet friend to play with. I keep hearing, ”let’s pretend we are mermaids, I’m the mommy and you are my baby.” It brightens this rainy day. Sweet little girl play.

This road is wearisome and long. Medical bills pile on top of medical bills, fear sneaks into uninvited places. With Spring approaching, I would normally be filling Jason’s inbox with dreams of raised vegetable beds, chicken houses, and playhouses. But today’s victory was a made bed, a load of laundry love started, and walking dirty dishes to the kitchen. That was more than the sum total of yesterday. I then called my guy to tell him not to worry, that I have enough energy to make through lunch. Then I remember those Joel Salatin and Wendall Barry daydreams of farming, and I feel like radiation made me forget to dream. The weight of debt and fear chokes out joy. I was a person overflowing with dreams, ideas, wonder. Where did that fade to? I would settle for the mama with enough energy to go on a field trip with her daughter’s class.

But then I stop and hear the little voices in the basement that have freedom to be a mermaid, they have joy in turning into a puppy for a moment. Recapturing joy in the midst of sorrow and fear, that is the struggle. Taking hold of the healing that has already happened in the very depths of my being. Resting in Jesus and not allowing my circumstances to tie me in knots. That’s the mountain I have to climb today.

Yesterday, I had one task. One. It was to make scones with Ella for her country report today. I could not do it. In tears, I asked Jason to call our precious British friend and ask for help. My friend was a gift of grace to me yesterday. She and her sweet daughters not only baked 35 scones, she delivered them warm to my house with cream and jam. Her oldest daughter even fixed me a perfect warm scone and jam and brought it to my weary seat. Another friend delivered a meal and a gentle smile. I see the grace, I see it. This journey just feels like it will never be over. I am weary of looking for the grace. I want to deliver the scones, I want to make the dinner, I want to comfort the broken hearted, I want to build a damn garden and have the strength to tend it, I want to not be sad when my mailbox is filled with medical bills. I know Jason would pay absolutely any price to get me well; it’s hard to keep that in sight. Time to focus my ears on little girls and make believe. That’s a reality I want to be in today. My washing machine just finished, and I have the strength to change it over....

My mountain to climb, join me. What is the mountain you are struggling to climb today?