It felt like a huge blow when my oncologist said it was time for me to enter hospice care. It felt like quitting. I felt like my body had failed and I was being pulled from the team and being benched. Benched in an awful permanent way.
I was wrong. Hospice care has been truly amazing. It’s still hard, as a stubborn fighter, to not be in the fight anymore. Now I’m focused on my comfort. Comfort to my last moment.
The nurses and doctor come to my bedside and do their business in my home. They speak in gentle tones and are always trying to figure the puzzle out that is me. They listen to me and try to find the best comfort for the pain I’m dealing with each day.
The hardest thing for me is that we are no longer testing. We have no measure on my cancer. No more PET scans, MRI’s or blood tests to measure tumor markers. We don’t know where it is growing, where it is fading. We don’t know which organs are involved or how my bones are doing.
From my pain, I suspect the cancer has been having a heyday in my bone system. That is what we spend most of our time trying to manage the pain from day to day. The team are champs and know what they are doing. It’s just different to be focused on my end not my staying.
Jason and I both have found ourselves content and pleased with hospice care. It’s just an adjustment. A hard adjustment to go from treatment, tests, and fighting to not knowing and comfort.
There is part of me that still wants the front row fighting seats. It’s how I’m made. I will always want to be trying to beat this disease somehow. Now my fight is a passive one, now I’m fighting for good moments. My fight is for time and tenderness with my loves. My fight is to embrace the good moments hospice is giving me and loving my people well. It’s important~ these moments. All our moments are precious gifts.
How are you embracing the strong moments you have been given? How are you spending your health today? How are you loving your people with the strength you have been gifted with today?
