October is breast cancer awareness month, but most of us don’t need to be reminded to be aware of the disease. We already are aware. We know a friend or family member who’s currently fighting it or has fought it in the past. We recognize that breast cancer is hard and heartbreaking, and that it doesn’t discriminate in age. But what we don’t often talk about, is how can we support our friend or loved one who is fighting breast cancer?

When you don’t know where to begin, but you want to support someone fighting breast cancer, here’s a few simple steps to get you started.

1. Choose them. It sounds so simple, but this is the first step we can take in being there for a friend or even acquaintance who’s fighting breast cancer—move toward them. When things are hard or uncomfortable, or maybe we don’t know someone that well, stepping toward them can be scary and leave us feeling vulnerable. But you don’t have to know what you’re doing right away. Just deciding to be there for them is the biggest hurdle to cross. Don’t run away out of fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. Make the decision that you’re in, even if you don’t know exactly what that looks like.
2. Keep it simple. We often complicate things. We think our gestures need to be grand or cross continents, but that isn’t the case. Sometimes it’s the cup of coffee, the hug, the text that says, I’m thinking of you that makes all the difference. Yes, some people will rock at organizing the big fundraiser (and if that’s you, go for it!), but small, simple things also matter to the heart.
3. Be specific. When you want to help your friend or loved one, be specific in what you offer to do. If you don’t know where to start, think about your gifts. What brings you joy and might also bless your friend during their hardship? Often that tug, that idea already fighting for attention in your mind is exactly where to begin. Instead of saying let me know what you need, say, I’d like to help by doing ______. Does Tuesday work for you? This makes it easier for a friend to accept help, and when you serve within your gifting, everyone benefits.
4. Be a good listener. When our people are telling us about their troubles, it’s hard not to want to fix and solve. But most of the time, they aren’t asking for this input. Often they just need someone who’s willing to listen and let them vent about what’s going on. Try to listen without offering with cures and suggestions.
5. Keep including them. Many times when we know our friend is sick or hurting, we assume that they don’t have the time or energy to be with friends or attend an event. This might be true—maybe they can’t fathom doing one more thing—but we can still give them the choice. Keep inviting them and don’t leave them out. At the same time, we need to be gracious if they need to say no. This is about showing them they are still loved, appreciated and noticed.

When Kara was diagnosed with breast cancer, we hadn’t known each other for very long. I didn’t have a clue what to do or how to help her. But I decided I wanted to be there for her, even if cancer left me feeling clueless. I’d love to tell you I did all of these things right as a friend surrounding Kara, but I didn’t. I made plenty of mistakes. In fact, sometimes that’s how I learned—by doing it wrong first. Hopefully these tools will give you the confidence to lean toward a friend instead of away, and to walk with them through a tough season.