When I think of Kara I think of the color green. It was my favorite color before I met her, and it was her color when we met. Now, it makes me think of her and know that we both had excellent taste. ;) Green is the color of life and growth. Grass. Leaves. New buds.

Lately it feels as though Kara is slipping away. Like she once was and is no more. I'm grasping for her. I don't want to give her up. I wonder if this is healthy. Life moves on, and memories become faded. It's like she's just beyond my fingertips.

I am not the best at shutting off my brain and relaxing. Often as I fall asleep at night, my mind races with what has passed and what is to come. I'm used to it and I've gotten better over the last year. But the other week we were at a hotel, and I was awake at night. I was praying and thinking, trying to pass the time until I fell back asleep, and the word beloved came to mind.

Dear Natalie,

I remember your first reactions. When you first tried to figure out what was causing your body to respond in the way it does. You never knew you would end up here. In your twenties and fighting for a quality of life that most people take for granted. Including myself. I often wish I had the words to express how much I think of you. How much your suffering crushes my heart. If only God would step in and lighten this load for you, make things even a smidgen easier... Wouldn't that be so much more survivable? This just feels like too much. Like more than one person should be able to handle. And definitely not the right story for someone as young and vibrant and humorous as you.

What if we could touch it and understand it? The real hope of Christmas. Peace like we'll know in heaven. What if Christmas wishes like in the movies really did come true?

And people got along.

And reached for peace and grace and faith.

Christmas is supposed to be white twinkle lights and homemade ornaments with perfect family members and wishes come true. But that's not how life works. Some people are going through really hard things, and the timing happens to coincide with the most festive time of the year.

Some will be braving memories of a lost loved one for the first time. For others, it's been years but the pain remains fresh. Sickness. Chronic illness. Pain. The list of hardships is long, and most of us know someone who’s suffering—or perhaps it’s even us.