One day last week, I walked from my office to a restaurant for lunch. Lunch alone, quiet and calm. As I sat in a booth reading, I quickly noticed a young man waiting for his girlfriend. She arrived; they had a somewhat awkward welcome hug and sat down talking. Then two gray-haired women walked in and approached a table that could seat twenty, and it quickly filled with pleasant ladies. I eavesdropped as I ate, listening to their warm and friendly chatter. Then I began to realize that this moment, like so many others, reminded me of what I miss and what have lost—a past and a future.

My birthday passed by last week. Passed by is an oversimplification—my birthday squared me up, hit me like a truck, then dragged me behind for days and miles. It felt like a week of revisiting my early grief immediately after Kara died.

A week before my birthday, I was having dinner with several families who often ask how I am; they are safe, and answering honestly helps me heal. On this day, I answered saying how glad I was that I had made it through all the birthdays, but I was interrupted: What about yours—isn’t it next week? That is when my heart sank and tears began to travel down my face.

As Kara’s and my story has been shared with so many people, I have received many emails and messages asking how to walk through grief in a healthy way—some are losing a wife, a child, some are wanting to help their friends in their grief, and some are running away from it and want to stop. I don’t have great answers, but I thought I would just share some things I’ve learned as I’ve traveled this journey.

These are simply my thoughts; I could be wrong or immature, but this is the fruit of my grief at this point.

Lately I have mourned all the events that have passed since Kara’s death—the places where she has not been present…these memories that the kids and I have had together. The laughter, the dinners with friends, the bedtime routines, and especially the times of grief. We have made great memories that consist of a family of 5, not 6.

A few days ago, we celebrated Lake’s 9th birthday. In these events I feel my loss more, I feel how disjointed I am from my past life. I miss Kara so much on these days; she was so good at celebrating people. Kara wrote letters to each of our kids for all of their birthdays until 18. Ugh. They break me.